it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
