I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
