I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
