If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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