dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
never play flip cup with pint glasses
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
