dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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