Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
