So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
