I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
