Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
