I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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