I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
