Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
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Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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