found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
