Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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