I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
