saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
