My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
