I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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