So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My penis needs a shock collar
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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