Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
one two three fourrrrnication!
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
