someone owes me an orgasm
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
