great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
your like the ambassador to my penis.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
