Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
