The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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