the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
