moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
