so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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