WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
