You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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