She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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