Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
