If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
