She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
