dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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