hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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