dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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