you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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