ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
