life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
