can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
