Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
