K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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