i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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