I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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