that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
