hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize