If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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