Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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