had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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