If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize