kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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