She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
